why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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