Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
