Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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