you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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