3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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