If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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