i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
