He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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