I just threw up on my dentist
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
