The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
