dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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