I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
