dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
