Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
