So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
