I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish you could order shots online.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
