It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
