My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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