Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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