They should really pass out barf bags in church
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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