My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
