Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
