party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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