can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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