someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
