i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
