my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
