my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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