I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
