Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
