i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
