My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
