Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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