Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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