batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You dont lie about slip and slides
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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