You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
