I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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