weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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