I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
