Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
