some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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