Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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