I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
