why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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