Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
