he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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