Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
