In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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