But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
