I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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