apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
