Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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