Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
