Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
